I'm a Criminal

When I told my husband what I was going to write about, he said not to do it.  He said more than my slip would be showing.  But I guess I need the catharsis.  You see, I broke the law today.  

I’m normally a very law abiding citizen.  I’ve never even gotten a parking ticket.  Once I came out of Walmart and realized I hadn’t paid for a pen that had slipped beside my purse in the cart.  I went back in to pay for it. 

But today a friend and I cheated death and somehow that made the laws of man seem beneath us.  We were invincible.  Let me explain.  

My friend called me on the phone and asked if I’d go with her to look at a cooler she’d found listed in the classifieds on-line.  She didn’t want to go to a stranger’s house alone.  We arrived at this huge house and wondered why someone who owned a million dollar house was selling a used cooler on-line rather than just donating it to charity.   We joked that maybe he was a serial killer.  Do you feel the hair prickling on the back of your neck?  That, my friend, is foreshadowing. We got out and went up to the door.  The owner opened the door and told us to go around to the garage. (Cue eerie music) There were four garages to choose from, so we stood on the driveway waiting.  He yelled at us to go into the back yard.  We thought that was strange and got a little apprehensive.  If you’re trying to sell something, couldn’t you put in the effort to bring it up front?  I mean, how heavy is a cooler for a 6 foot, 200 pound guy with facial hair and squinty eyes?  OK, I made up the squinty eye part.  We were glad there were two of us.  We went around to the back yard and he asked us to come into his 5th garage.  (Cue high pitched pulsing music) Very weird.  I, of course, had my phone in my pocket and was planning to quickly call 911 if necessary.  As we stepped into the garage I scanned the area for torture devices, potential weapons, and skeletons.  I half expected the garage door to close behind us.  Nothing happened.  She paid for the cooler and we carried it around front.  Phew.  We had escaped with our lives.  We were giddy with relief.

So on this wave of euphoria we decided to go look at a house she found on-line.  It is vacant, in foreclosure, and is going for a song.  It’s the only house on its street and backs up to the mountain.  Well, naturally the doors were locked, but we looked in the windows.  We went around back and discovered a doggie door big enough for a St. Bernard.  I am smaller than a St. Bernard.  You know what’s coming.  Yes, I slipped through that doggie door and let us in.  We took a self-guided tour.  I’m sure you’ll be interested to know that the house has several large bedrooms, an unusual curved staircase leading to a balcony, a full-sized hot tub in the master bathroom, and needs an incredible amount of work.  Motion sensors beeped as we entered each room.  My friend said she didn’t have a good feeling being in the house.  She postulated that maybe someone had been murdered there and that’s why the asking price is so low.  I don’t think it was murder.  I think that creepy feeling was our own guilt from breaking and entering (although lets be honest, I didn’t break anything), and worrying that those motion sensors had alerted the authorities, and the cops were about to surround the house and order us out with our hands up! 

So there you have it.  My close call with the serial killer was the gateway to a life of crime. I feel so reckless now I may jay walk, park in a no parking zone, or water after 10 a.m.